How People React When I Tell Them I’m a Christian Now

I didn’t used to be a Christian. I used to be Whatever Else. Then Jesus came along and now I’m a Christian. It’s pretty great being a Ch-

“Wait, what?”

Hmm?

“You’re a Christian?”

Yeah, I had a spiritual awakening, it was-

macaulay-culkin-home-alone

“I have so many bad experiences with Christians. Hypocrites. I knew this one Christian who totally didn’t act like one. It made me so mad.”

Yes, well, most Christians suck.

“And you’re immune?”

Yeah, well, no.

“So do you, like, hate fags now?”

No, Jesus didn’t say anyth-

“Rush Limbaugh is a big, fat idiot.”

Okay.

“So now you’re a hypocrite?”

Wait, what?

“I hate it when every post is a Jesus post.”

I didn’t know I-

“Hey man, I may not agree with you, but I will fight to the death for your right to say it.”

Thanks.

“Shut the hell up.”

“You always have to have the last word. That’s the problem with you Christians. You always think you’re right.”

“You believe Jesus died for your sins?”

Yes.

“How was that even necessary? Couldn’t God just forgive you without murdering his own son?”

Yeah, right? That’s messed up.

“Don’t agree with me while I’m trashing your mythos of choice. Ugh, it makes me so mad when you do that. It’s like you’re being condescending.”

I know what you mean.

“There! You did it again! Fight me.”

[I kick Interrupting Blog Ghost in the privates.]

“Hey! I thought you were a Christian! Aren’t you supposed to be all peace and love? Hypocrite! Also, in your parenthetical you said privates. I’m pretty sure it doesn’t let you say privates in the bible.”

I actually read the bible, and no, it doesn’t say I can’t say privates or kick you in it.

“But it implies you shouldn’t. Turn the other cheek. Didn’t Jesus say that?”

He did. Let me see your other cheek.

“Dude, you really need to pray more, or something. You’re starting to lose it.”

Ah-ha! Caught you telling me to pray. Who’s the evangelist now, idiot?

“Don’t call me an idiot, you’re an idiot. You kicked me in the privates.”

Only because you were intentionally trying to get a rise out of me. I’m a Christian, not Christ. Anyway, Christ knocked over some tables.

“Oh, so you think you can kick me?”

Yeah, when you’re intentionally messing with me. I’m an animal first, then a Christian.

“So your whole religion is moot, then. If it doesn’t make you a better person, then-”

Actually, it does. If I were still an atheist, you’d be unconscious right now.

“So you’re a jerk, but just less of one, now that you’re a Christian.”

Sums it up nicely.

“Not good enough.”

Sorry, it’s the best I’ve got. Don’t like it, find someone who’s worth your time.

“I have no friends.”

Surprise, surprise. I guess we both suck.

“Yeah but you suck more because you’re a Christian.”

You win.

“No! Let’s fight some more.”

Yawn.

“Come on, hit me again!”

Zzz.

“Wake up and hit me!”

*snore*

“I’m so lonely.”

*snore*

“Psst. Hey God. Me again. Don’t tell anyone I’m talking to you, I have an image to uphold. Anyway, how’s tricks?”

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15 thoughts on “How People React When I Tell Them I’m a Christian Now

  1. Will, you should write a book about all these. Seriously! To be honest, your posts are really relevant especially for people like me who grew up in a Christian environment. I really do get the above-mentioned statements, like A LOT! Last time, I spent a day with the Hare Krishnas and I was amazed that their love for Christ actually inspired me! They are quoting Jesus every once in a while.. How Ironic that the Hare Krishnas actually encouraged me to go back to the “REAL JESUS” I once loved.

  2. haha! oh my daayyyss this is hilarious. I think this post highlights a key point that many don’t choose to accept: We have a preoccupation with labels. Religion is so personal, but every one of us tends to put our own preconceptions, prejudices, various ideas that may or may not be correct onto every adherent of a particular faith without stopping to examine his or her understanding and personal experiences with their religion. You might be Christian, but your definition of Christianity is clearly your own and not like anyone else’s. If we don’t live up to the expectations that others have, then a whole bunch more labels (and judgements) get thrown at us.

    Can’t a guy/ gal catch a break?

    • Christina – No! We guys and gals cannot catch a break. Under any circumstances. THE JUDGE HAS SPOKEN, COURT ADJOURNED!

      ;)

      Seriously though, yeah. The labels are so sticky — and easy to produce. As soon as we slough off a few of them, a few more get created and stick to us. I’m reminded of a scene in the movie “Brazil” (a Monty Python veteran produced it) in which one character is suffocated to death by newspapers swirling about in the wind. The metaphor was multi-layered, but one reading I found was that the stories we make up and apply to other people, well those tend to suffocate us. They obscure us. Struggle as we might.

      So, may God or Allah save us from the swirling sticky newspapers.

  3. My best thought right now (I reserve the right to admit to being wrong if I am) is that following Jesus isn’t about being perfect, but it’s about learning to fit in.

    Not at church, that’s lame. Church people are (often) hypocrites that need a good vag-kick.

    No, instead we should learn how to fit in within God’s kingdom (wait, I thought that was the church or heaven). Where God rules is his kingdom. So it can be heaven and it can be the church, but it’s more than that (and sometimes not in the church, see the vag-kicked hypocrites above).

    It’s like God invites us into his house and we’re smelly, dirty hobos. God doesn’t hose us off on the porch first, he brings us in, gets us some food and sits down at the table with us. Over the course of living with him he helps us to learn what it’s like to be a part of his house, but he never threatens to kick us out. We’re transitioning from stab-a-dude-to-eat-a-hotdog hobo life into abundant, hopeful, forgiving, grace-filled life.

    The transition isn’t instantaneous; it’s growth from death into life.

    • James, I very much liked this reply of yours. (No, really, check the thumbs-up button. I really liked it. In the Facebook sense. But also in the archaic sense.)

      Just, you raised lots of good points. And interestingly, your metaphor of the hobo at the dinner table — at the time you posted your comment — came at a scarily apt moment. Suffice to say the comment reminded me to be decent to someone who was causing my house some problems.

      We’re all the hobo.

      Ever in transition.

  4. Ya, I guess I just don’t like it– because more than anyone else (besides Jesus) I know how prone I am to wander. How bent I am on doing my OWN thing. There’s a lot of pressure there. And I’m not even sure its from Jesus. Cause he’s got this truckload of grace for me and my mess ups. He loves me even when I am an asshole. I think that’s where the pressure is released. Knowing and resting in that.

  5. This post is one of the many reasons I love you. First of all, if the reader doesn’t bust a gut reading this they obviously don’t have a gut to bust. Luckily (or unluckily as the case may be), I do. Although, in the same lighthearted merry-full laugh, there’s also the twinge of, “Fuck. Ya. You’ve got a point there.”

    I don’t understand the concept that we’ve got to be perfect if we’re Christian. All of a sudden we don’t make any more mistakes because Jesus zapped us with his magic wand. Don’t I wish. Don’t I wish grace came easy instead of being learned through humility. Don’t I wish love meant you only had to love people who loved you back instead of every. fucking. person. Don’t I wish peace came without a storm. Or whatever. It just ain’t easy.

    And then, we’ve got Christians who all love Jesus but have all different thoughts, standards, beliefs on things (like drinking, and cussing and hanging out with the like, etc. etc.) So to complicate it Christians start hating on each other, instead of loving them (or giving them grace) for who they are. Just had a similar conversation this morning. “What are our priorities?” I asked. Seriously, every Christian has their podium so it seems and I just want to be majoring on the right things. And I think the answer summed it up. Jesus then loving & encouraging others. Phew. That I can try to do. Keep it simple for a simpleton like me, ya know?

    • Amen to keeping it simple.

      One of the cool things about being a Christian is that, yes, people do hold us to a higher standard. We’re under the magnifying glass. Kinda like being in public office. We gotta honorably represent the right people — in our case, Jesus. But we’re not Jesus, so our best is all that’s required of us, and yes we are allowed to take it easy sometimes.

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