Me: God, why everybody gotta drag me down?
God: What’s the problem, Cynic?
Me: Some people just want to tear holes in my faith, rip it down, “disprove” it, and otherwise poop on it.
God: Poop on it. I see.
Me: God, can you fix them? Make them understand they don’t have to save me? I swear, God, some of these atheists are even more insufferable than your evangelists — no offense, naturally.
Me: So can you?
God: Can I what?
Me: Fix them! I’m starting to get real sick of their unholier-than-thou attitude. I mean what the hell do they care?
God: What, indeed, the “hell”.
Me: Did you know one of them just hauled off and wrote, “Atoms. The Big Bang. Gravity.” or something on my Facebook food-porn photo in which I credited you for providing me with sustenance? How insulting! What, I don’t know about science? Is that what they mean? I’m smarter than any of these asshats.
God: Ass. Hats. I see. Facebook, yes. Fascinating.
Me: I was just trying to exercise a little gratitude, but I suppose they’ve never experienced such a thing, so how the hell would they know what I’m even talking about. I should probably take Christian pity on their self-aggrandizing, privileged, pimple-brained asses.
God: That’s very Christian of you.
Me: My education eats theirs for breakfast! Atoms. Screw them. I’ll give them the Big Bang.
God: Yeah. You tell ’em.
Me: Come on, God, show them the Light. Please? Take ’em down a notch. Show ’em what humility feels like. Knock ’em on their asses. Do your stuff!
Me: Yo, God.
Me: Pay attention, God! You seem to be drifting in and out of focus. Hello, I’m supplicating over here.
God: You sure are.
Me: You’re on my side, right? Didn’t you like the bit about how I compared my homemade pizza crust to your heavenly will? “It’s funky-shaped because I followed the will of the dough, rather than try to force it to my own. Amen.” Amusing yet insightful, right? It’s both a culinary principle and a spiritual truism.
God: Yes, amusing.
Me: Right! So I win and they lose.
Me: I’m getting the feeling you’re not totally on board with my line of thinking over here. I’m not really feeling the love here, God.
God: And that’s my problem how, exactly?
Me: I think I might be a little confused right now.
Me: You do appreciate me, right? I mean I go to bat for you publicly. You see that, right?
God: Thanks for protecting me. I was so scared until you stepped in. Hold me.
Me: Okay, now you’re just being sarcastic.
God: Quick Draw McGraw! You learn fast.
Me: God, this is serious.
God: Yes, very serious. I got starving children in Africa and whatnot, but that can wait. Please. Continue.
God: I take your silence to mean you’re done complaining?
God: Yeah, keep sulking. You have so much to complain about. Mr. I’m So Grateful, Let Me Show Off How Grateful I Am to My Friends. Good job there, buddy. Top marks for golden sunshine.
Me: Sir Lord. You know full well I’m not trying to window dress over here. I talk about you because there’s a chance it’ll help someone find peace in their life.
God: Sure about that?
Me: Yes! A thousand times, yes.
God: How many times have you typed the word “Me” in this post?
Me: What? What’s that have to do with anything? Why are you changing the subject?
God: How many times?
Me, er, Will: Ugh. Hmm. Yeah. I see.
God: Switching to third person doesn’t help. Just look at you. You’re like a cat “hiding” in a paper grocery bag with its tail sticking out! Oh me, you are so adorable.
God: Ha ha! Ho ho, oh me. Ha ha ha!
Me: God, what am I supposed to do?
God: That’s the first intelligent thing you’ve said in this entire conversation. Now stop typing, close your eyes, and let’s have a moment alone, shall we? Good night, everyone! It’s the Cynic’s bedtime. He’s got things to do tomorrow. And hey, listen. Don’t sweat it if he comes off as kind of a hypocrite and an ass sometimes. It’s not a reflection on you. It’s definitely not a reflection on me. Kid’s got a mind of his own, same as the rest of you. Growing pains, you know. Hey, wait a second. Shouldn’t you be in bed, too? Go on, I’ll be there in a minute to tuck you in.