In Which I Complain at God and He Smites Me With Sarcasm

Me: God, why everybody gotta drag me down?

God: What’s the problem, Cynic?

Me: Some people just want to tear holes in my faith, rip it down, “disprove” it, and otherwise poop on it.

God: Poop on it. I see.

Me: God, can you fix them? Make them understand they don’t have to save me? I swear, God, some of these atheists are even more insufferable than your evangelists — no offense, naturally.

God: Naturally.

Me: So can you?

God: Can I what?

Me: Fix them! I’m starting to get real sick of their unholier-than-thou attitude. I mean what the hell do they care?

God: What, indeed, the “hell”.

Me: Did you know one of them just hauled off and wrote, “Atoms. The Big Bang. Gravity.” or something on my Facebook food-porn photo in which I credited you for providing me with sustenance? How insulting! What, I don’t know about science? Is that what they mean? I’m smarter than any of these asshats.

God: Ass. Hats. I see. Facebook, yes. Fascinating.

Me: I was just trying to exercise a little gratitude, but I suppose they’ve never experienced such a thing, so how the hell would they know what I’m even talking about. I should probably take Christian pity on their self-aggrandizing, privileged, pimple-brained asses.

God: That’s very Christian of you.

Me: My education eats theirs for breakfast! Atoms. Screw them. I’ll give them the Big Bang.

God: Yeah. You tell ’em.

Me: Right?!

God: Hmm?

Me: Come on, God, show them the Light. Please? Take ’em down a notch. Show ’em what humility feels like. Knock ’em on their asses. Do your stuff!


Me: Yo, God.

God: What.

Me: Pay attention, God! You seem to be drifting in and out of focus. Hello, I’m supplicating over here.

God: You sure are.

Me: You’re on my side, right? Didn’t you like the bit about how I compared my homemade pizza crust to your heavenly will? “It’s funky-shaped because I followed the will of the dough, rather than try to force it to my own. Amen.” Amusing yet insightful, right? It’s both a culinary principle and a spiritual truism.

God: Yes, amusing.

Me: Right! So I win and they lose.

God: Congratulations.

Me: I’m getting the feeling you’re not totally on board with my line of thinking over here. I’m not really feeling the love here, God.

God: And that’s my problem how, exactly?



Me: I think I might be a little confused right now.

God: Obviously.

Me: You do appreciate me, right? I mean I go to bat for you publicly. You see that, right?

God: Thanks for protecting me. I was so scared until you stepped in. Hold me.

Me: Okay, now you’re just being sarcastic.

God: Quick Draw McGraw! You learn fast.

Me: God, this is serious.

God: Yes, very serious. I got starving children in Africa and whatnot, but that can wait. Please. Continue.


God: I take your silence to mean you’re done complaining?


God: Yeah, keep sulking. You have so much to complain about. Mr. I’m So Grateful, Let Me Show Off How Grateful I Am to My Friends. Good job there, buddy. Top marks for golden sunshine.

Me: Sir Lord. You know full well I’m not trying to window dress over here. I talk about you because there’s a chance it’ll help someone find peace in their life.

God: Sure about that?

Me: Yes! A thousand times, yes.

God: How many times have you typed the word “Me” in this post?

Me: What? What’s that have to do with anything? Why are you changing the subject?

God: How many times?

Me, er, Will: Ugh. Hmm. Yeah. I see.

God: Switching to third person doesn’t help. Just look at you. You’re like a cat “hiding” in a paper grocery bag with its tail sticking out! Oh me, you are so adorable.

Me: Heh.

God: Ha ha! Ho ho, oh me. Ha ha ha!

Me: God, what am I supposed to do?

God: That’s the first intelligent thing you’ve said in this entire conversation. Now stop typing, close your eyes, and let’s have a moment alone, shall we? Good night, everyone! It’s the Cynic’s bedtime. He’s got things to do tomorrow. And hey, listen. Don’t sweat it if he comes off as kind of a hypocrite and an ass sometimes. It’s not a reflection on you. It’s definitely not a reflection on me. Kid’s got a mind of his own, same as the rest of you. Growing pains, you know. Hey, wait a second. Shouldn’t you be in bed, too? Go on, I’ll be there in a minute to tuck you in.


4 thoughts on “In Which I Complain at God and He Smites Me With Sarcasm

  1. Pingback: Tell me about God. | The Cynic Testifies

  2. Will, one of the things I appreciate about you is your honesty with God and your desire to seek Him. You spend time talking to Him and getting to know His heart. And even when its sometimes difficult to hear you take it with humility and submission.

    I get your feelings in all of this though– wanting God to “smite” certain people. Or to at least correct them or shut them up or make them look dumb. Ok, maybe that’s just how I feel sometimes.

    I’m so grateful I get to see snippets of your journey through your writing. Thanks for being you.

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