Seeing as I’ve now been a believer for
five four weeks, I feel I’m now ready to embark on the next logical step in my spiritual journey, namely, to open my own church and start preaching the word of God.
I’ve experienced the Christ firsthand, read most of the gospels, heard of Deuteronomy, and through this blog demonstrated my theological prowess in such posts as “Jesus could be kind of a jerk at times” and “God Loves Fags”, the latter of which precipitated this response by that hippie in the Vatican.
The following is therefore my first official sermon. I’ve prayed long and hard about it. I feel it contains the unvarnished truth about life, the universe, and everything but Douglas Adams — truth, in short, that was immaculately conceived in the womb of my mind and birthed through the birth canal of my mouth.
Sit back, relax, enjoy your complimentary church doughnut, and let’s get spiritual:
Hello, churchgoers. How are you today? Pause for response. I’m fine, and how are you? Oops, I already asked that. You’re fine too. Good.
The topic of today’s sermon is “What is this whole church thing, anyway?”
What, indeed, is this whole church thing, anyway? I’ll tell you. It’s a building with a bunch of seats for you and a pulpit for me. Why do I get a pulpit? What makes me so special? A better question is this: Why do you get to sit, while I have to stand? I’m the one suffering here. I bet you don’t feel so argumentative now, do you. Be grateful for what you have, that’s lesson number one.
Ah, church. That age-old institution of fellowship and worship, singing and amen-ing, Sunday-ing and hoping it stops a half hour before kickoff. This sermon will run four hours, as a reminder that thou shalt not worship football idols. That’s lesson number two about church.
Number three: Wash behind your ears. What are you, a monkey? Which reminds me: evolution is B.S. Sorry, bullcrap. Sorry, bull. Sorry.
Hey, remember when your mom used to drag you to church? Remember how it didn’t mean jack squat to you then, and how that never changed? Just asking.
Lift your voice in spontaneous song. Now.
You have to vote for pro-life politicians. It’s in the bible. Please place your tax-deductible donation in the basket as it comes around. Thank you.
How am I doing on time?
Mm, this is good water.
We’re here to talk about Jesus. He died for your sins. What does that even mean? I’ll tell you. It means you don’t have to worry so hard about your earthly cares. Behind on bills? Don’t worry. Dying of cancer? Chill. Jesus has got this. Seriously! Hey, who’s in the pulpit and who’s in the seats. That’s what I thought.
Sorry, I’m a little new at this. I’m probably coming off a little defensive. That’s lesson number…what are we on, eight? Lesson number eight: Confess your sins to your fellows. It really takes a load off.
Thanks everyone, you’ve been a great audience. Amen.