That’s it. I’ve had it. After almost four weeks of believing in God, I’ve given him up. I don’t believe in him anymore. My reasons are moral, intellectual, and ideological. The following are my top ten reasons for giving up on God.
10. I found out some people think God is a bearded man on a cloud. I don’t want people to think I’m stupid, so I gave up on God.
9. I found out about the Big Bang. My curiosity goes no further than that, so I don’t need God anymore.
8. Speaking of science, I also found out about molecules, evolution, Alexander Graham Bell, the mating ritual of the majestic housefly, Stephen Hawking’s wheelchair, dinosaurs, and other fascinating phenomena. All this information was so fascinating, in fact, that it automatically disproves and must necessarily displace the idea of a God, to my mind. I can believe 7 things, but certainly not 8. That’s pushing it.
7. I heard about the Crusades, the Spanish Inquisition, the Klu Klux Klan, pedophilic priests, abortion clinic bombers, and other Christian institutions and people who have done bad things in the name of Christ, so I cannot in good conscience support Christianity. By the same token, I am also against wombs, since they’re the ones who incubated all these jerks. Also, the sun. I also find Existence Itself to have originated terrible movies like that Matt Damon and Jodie Foster vehicle Elysium, so I’ll be picketing Existence Itself this Saturday on the Capitol Steps if anyone wants to join me. Free coffee, doughnuts, and suicide nooses.
6. I prayed for a Miata and all I got was this lousy Camaro.
5. My mom believes in God and I find my mom extremely annoying, ergo I cannot in good conscience believe in God. That’s just Aristotelian logic.
4. My church sucks.
3. My girlfriend doesn’t believe in God.
2. I don’t need God. I don’t need anyone or anything. Everything I do, I do by myself, with my own blood, sweat, and tears, thank you very much. I’m a bootstrapper, a liberty lover, a staunch individualist. I am the one who personally, singlehandedly made a delicious tomato lentil chili the other day. I also personally invented lentils and photosynthesis. Also, my tax dollars literally paid for all of the roads.
1. How about you? Why did you give up on God?