Spontaneous Intentional Delusion and Comfort with Cognitive Dissonance

From Will meets Christ, Day 1:


It’s confusing, the fact that I’m on this new path. It doesn’t make sense, not really. But then I ask, what good is sense? In any given scenario, what does sense do? For me, that’s the question. And for now, as of yesterday and probably moving forward, my ad hoc answer is that this concept/being we call God — and the big fish to swallow, the resurrected Christ figure — does things in our life when we communicate with it.

And when I communicate with this God, I might be talking to myself, but does that matter? Does “accuracy” really, truly matter? I believe a thing is best understood by asking what it does. I’m fully conscious of the fact that this God is probably an illusion — but again, is “reality” any more relevant than “illusion”?

I know I’m going through a lot of mental contortions to justify this, but do you get me? Being filled with the Spirit is a feeling, a sense, and a practice.

I prayed yesterday. Prayed. With a friend. And man, did it feel right.

Life is hard. You seek the right path, try to be moral, try to support yourself and maybe a family. Try not to be a jerk. You know? And it doesn’t seem to get any easier. Relying on this thing called my “self” has proven problematic. I must ask myself, and I try to entertain the answer: Can anything positive that I do really originate with me? Or is it possible that it is more convenient and utilitarian to hold that such positivity must necessarily come from outside of my “self”?

I choose God and Christ for that outside source of positivity maybe-because it is the language of my culture. That is the manifestation of the “spiritual” (Lord, how I dislike that word) that I am most familiar with. I embrace this expression of the not-me.


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